Apply for life

On a Wednesday morning in Berkshire, England, water boils in the kettle and before long, there is a coffee in a teacup waiting to be sipped.

Hello, Internet.

This past week has been enlightening. I mean that in a sense that I am forever learning about myself, as well as the world around me. When this is not clean-cut beautiful epiphanies, reality has proven to be somewhat ominous.

You see, all this job hunting and interview-going has got me thinking, and after several hours of pondering and wondering, I have come to the conclusion that I am torn into two halves. It’s lifestyle choices that divide me.

I feel like a boxing ring with ambition and career goals in one corner, and little miss ‘go with the flow’ attitude in the other. The two battle it out constantly, but each contestant just as strong as their opponent. The bell never rings, and there’s never a knockout, it’s just a long, messy squabble with additional fisty cuffs.

I’ve never liked boxing, and I’m not too keen on the idea of hosting such an event in the depths of my mind, yet it seems to be happening, permission granted or not.

I’m starting to realise why that is, however.

For as long as I can remember, I have experienced what is commonly referred to as an inferiority complex - a term I have only recently discovered, but instantly felt familiar with.

The most prominent symptom — if that’s what you want to call it — is a particular feeling I experience. A feeling that I need to do more than what is expected in an attempt to prove my non-believers wrong, whilst simultaneously impressing people and making others happy, or even a little bit jealous.

Constantly seeking approval from the world does not allow much time to make yourself happy, let alone figure out what it is that you really want from life. That bitter truth has awoken something within me; ignited a fire that is beginning to spread and shed light in areas formerly untouched.

I have always danced around the idea of a successful career, and it beckons the question whether this was for myself or for my conscience. For the loved ones, the bullies and the teachers who previously degraded or dismissed me, or even just for the disapproving looks and little comments I’ve been gifted along the way.

There is no black and white answer to that question.

The long and short of it is;

I thought I knew myself, and now I’m reevaluating.

I was offered a job last week.

I liked the place, and the people seemed lovely.

I turned it down.

You see, an agency put me forward for the interview, and I willingly let them despite not having any interest in the role itself. Again, this was because I have a fear of disappointing, and a need to receive approval from as many sources as possible. It’s like a fix. I felt a kick when I left, knowing I had done well, and then again when I was offered the job, but instantly crashed when I realised that I didn’t actually want it, and now I would have to disappoint multiple people, further down the line.

Before the agencies swarmed on my CV like packs of vultures, I wasn’t receiving any interview invitations, and so when they did, I just opened my mind up so far that I was allowing them to manipulate my plans. I lost sight of what I really wanted to be doing, and suddenly, I was going for jobs all over the place. Horrible hours, horrible salaries, and horrible positions that clearly just needed to be filled by any Tom, Dick or Hannah.

“Ah, well, graphic design and creative media apprenticeships are hard to come by - especially without a degree.” Became a common phrase I heard from random callers, representing different recruitment companies. Funnily enough, they all seemed to follow that sentence with “But we do have a service desk job available for you!”

Yippee.

Getting stuck scares me.

I don’t want to be lumbered with responsibilities that I never wanted, or that which will never benefit me or my goals.

Growing up, I have watched my father work long days in a job he hates, only to come home and do paperwork in the evenings. He seems stressed and miserable, but even more dauntingly, he seems stuck. I don’t want that from life.

There is a saying “don’t get so busy making a living that you forget to make a life.”

I stand by this, no matter how big and crazy my career ambitions may be.

I will not settle until I am happy. I will not do things because I feel I should. I will not say ‘yes’ when my mind tells me ‘no.’

I will disregard feelings of being unworthy based on the position I hold. I will make a conscious effort to seek approval of myself, not approval from the world. I will apply for life, not a job.

Because you only live once, so you might as well find a way to enjoy it...

19.June.2019

Wednesday